What the Hell am I Doing?!

Yesterday, I committed a heinously irreparable infraction against my favorite boy, Mark. He IM'd me and as usual I was ecstatic. We talked a little and he asked me what I was doing and I told him I was writing an entry for my blog (of which, up until this point, he had been completely unaware), I just blurted it out without considering the potential repercussions. Naturally he was curious about it and after some hemming and hawing, I relented and gave him the link to the site, nervously predicting to him that if he read it it may be the last time that he spoke to me. I waited anxiously to see what his reaction would be, hoping that the artistic/entertainment value would somehow negate the repugnant contents therein. Unfortunately however, I gambled and lost. He basically told me that he thought I was a slut, and punctuated his last remarks with "You are definitely NOT my type, Good Bye".............I just sat there, in my desk chair, in front of my computer screen for what felt like eons, helpless to ward off the inevitable agonizing wave of humiliation, remorse, sorrow and trepidation which were now coursing through every inch of my listless body. I knew that it would be futile to try and defend myself I mean what could I say to even try and make it better? Evidently I had effectively closed the book on the only bright chapter in this otherwise dismal collection of stories, so, silently I slunk away. I've been blown off before by guys I've met online, but I never let it bother me beyond just a few minutes - seriously. I just let it roll right off my back and then I trot on to the next exciting possibility. It was different with Mark, he was the only guy with whom I had established a deep, genuine friendship, which I considered extremely valuable and authentic. To suddenly have him out of my world felt awful. It's one thing to personally suffer the consequences of your own stupidity, I deserved to feel like shit, but judging by his reaction to having learned about my indiscretions, it appeared that I had hurt him, too and that's the part that I hated most of all.

I finally accepted that I had to extract my ass from that desk chair and attempt to become functional again. I galumphed along from task to task my mind never fully engaged in any particular activity. You know how your arms dangle there by your sides and they feel numb and lifeless, like half the blood has been mysteriously drained from your body. There were times while I was driving that I thought I might spontaneously fall asleep - emotional turmoil is physically exhausting for me, plus falling asleep would've allowed me to forget the whole fiasco for a little while, but it also would've caused me to wreck my car, so I forced myself to snap out of it.

I really wanted to talk to Frances (my best friend) but she was incommunicado, still at the beach with no cell service. I needed her analysis of all that had transpired because now I was starting to second guess my very decision to write this friggin' blog at all. I was beginning to think that my frankness might come back to bite me in the ass in more ways than just the demise of Mark's and my deal. In pondering the things about which I had written thus far, I was discovering that I can be cruel and harsh and opinionated and mean. I get the most out of my journaling when I am painfully honest. Sure, I may exaggerate the truth a skosh from time to time or embellish a story to make a mediocre tale more compelling, but in general I tend to wear it on my sleeve. This was brutal honesty at the expense of innocent (?) people though, not to mention - what would be the social repercussions in my own little town, if the truth about my apparent wantonness became public knowledge. I think I am living two very different lives; I spend my adult time wrangled up in my dissolute online dating shenanigans, but conversely I am completely capable of being a responsible loving mother, a devoted friend and a contributing citizen. I have to admit, my boy-craziness does span both of these areas of my life; just as I obsess about men who I bump into online, I can't help but peek down the grocery store aisles or into cars driving alongside me hoping to catch a glimpse of the next hottest guy out in the real world. I am undeniably driven by the belief that my future mate could turn up literally anywhere...But when I am being a mom or a friend or a citizen I don't tread on peoples' emotions with such reckless abandon, why now, through writing this blog inspired by my dating experiences, have I become so apparently cruel and cold-hearted?

I don't know, I guess the Mark incident was a wake-up call of sorts. Was this blog thing such a good idea, after all? Losing Mark was the first catastrophe that I had had to endure as a result of my blog, but was I setting myself up for subsequent disaster? I was nervous that maybe I had irrevocably gone over to a dangerous dark side. One of the reasons I felt it would be safe to share my stories in such a public venue was because I have run each and every experience I've had past my tiny but tight-knit group of friends and although sometimes they do roll their eyes and tsk, tsk me, they never chastise me for my behavior. I figured if my dearest friends could stomach my sometimes downright gnarley anecdotes, wouldn't the general public be able to, as well? Anyway, I did manage to shelf my worries in order to immerse myself in my parental duties for the remainder of the day and at some point in the evening after my sweet children were all tucked in, I had an epiphany. Maybe I had subconsciously wanted Mark to know the truth about all of my questionable antics, maybe I had driven him away because I secretly knew that we were never going to consummate our virtual affair and even though the initial sting of rejection was nearly unbearable, wouldn't it have been more painful in the long run, for me to continue carrying a torch for him indefinitely? I questioned the validity of our bond. Our relationship was based on fantasy, it was make-believe, it could never be real if we could never actually touch. Maybe I had unknowingly protected myself from future heartbreak, because I believe, though I know it sounds absurd, that I was really falling for Mark.

Additionally, I realized how much pleasure I really do derive from composing this silly, little blog, I am almost as addicted to writing about my online adventures as I am to embarking on them, and since I am obviously not too proud to forfeit what little dignity I have left for the sake of entertainment, for now - the blog will continue...